Author: Stuart

On a pleasant day, as a group of girls played in a park, a well dressed man sat on the park bench singing about the joy of little girls to the mother next to him. As the police arrived and he was dragged away, he was heard to yell “I’m as Mad As Hell!”

Congratulations to Brisbane, who won the rights to host the 2014 G20 Summit, but Shaun wasn’t happy with the way they won it – with attack ads on rival Sydney. But Sydney ran their own, pointing out that Josh Thomas was from Brisbane – “enough said.”  But Josh was in the audience, and took great offence, running out of the studio. “There goes the [TAYG] reunion special.”

Shaun reminded us we’re all going to die – from the inside. We’re fat, stupid and insufficiently insured. It makes him Mad As Health, so who can we blame? Dr Enrico Krull (Francis) thinks that physical science should help medical science, by having doctors use the Higgs-Boson to travel back in time to stop the patient from ever contracting the disease, which would free up the original appointment, saving them time and reducing waiting lists. Eventually, the diseases will be eradicated and governments could have a reason to close hospitals. But Dr Krull isn’t worried about losing his job – he’s a plastic surgeon, and there’s no cure for vanity.

But what about obesity? Without being prompted, Dr Krull offered to lipo-suction Shaun’s fat to his lips. But on the issue of child obesity, Leigh Sales thought it appropriate to bring the topic up on 730 and then close with an interview with Clive Palmer. Sociologist Marie Spoons (Roz), thinks it’s OK for obese parents to raise obese children, because they’re stupid, but skinny parents who raise obese children need to be put in prison with cages of rats on their head.

2UE Road Rage presenter Marty Scrote (Tosh) is against the idea of attacks on junk food. He’s also against a tax too, it’s the fault of the parents, not the sponsors of his show. Marie agrees – a 2L big slam of Pepsi Max is fine for a child, in moderation, but couple it with a jumbo bucket of popcorn chicken and then drop them at a screening of The Human Centipede – “is border-line child neglect.”

But is having unqualified people overreacting to the problem with opinion blunting the message? Cloris Webbler, Friends of the ABC secretary thinks that the sooner these people realise that not have having a proper perspective is causing more obesity, the sooner we can punish them with weapons and acid.

Our health care is in crisis, but before Shaun could throw to Xanthe, he caught Dr Krull lipo-suctioning his fat out of his hips – “That’s my personal private fat!”

It was a new Xanthe Kalamazoo (Emily) who threw to a report by Paula Mildrew (Veronica) on the lack of sufficient beds in hospitals, leaving patients to be stranded in corridors. The latest development is the creation of Multistory Corridors, to be built next to overcrowded hospitals. Each corridor can sleep up to 144 in an entire building, and even more if the floors are removed and patients are just tipped in.

As Paula signed off, Mrs Kalamazoo was given bad news about her husband by the doctor – and she was requested to give the consent to switch off the life support. There were patients in desperate need for his… bed. It was actually a hospital administrator dressed as a doctor, and although they could administer treatment, the hospital’s figures would look better if they treated more lucrative patients.

Shaun acknowledged that last report had become more of a sketch, full of actors pretending to be real people. But if the “success” of The Shire has shown anything, it’s that we “want to know what real people pretending to be actors think.” And on The Top of the Vox Pops, Nobby would choose China as a superpower, and Lionel thinks that fat orphans debunks the theory that obesity is child abuse.

With London calling (and reversing the charges) for the Olympics, Gay March was back to talk all things British. Before the Olympic torch arrived, the city hadn’t seen a display of combustible energy since the London riots. G4S has security in order, hiring the unemployed and marginalised, while the army is in charge of parking and tourist information. And Mayor Boris Johnson is pleased with the new watertank, which will dilute the beer more than it already is. Gay invited Shaun down the pub to watch it while drinking lashing of warm tea, but he insisted he can’t make it.

In the latest Worksafe ad, protection from losing your arm from a button injury doesn’t apply when you’re an unpaid family member. At the ABC Shop, come in now and buy something so you’ll have a distraction at Christmas if you become redundant. And anything with Stephen Fry’s face on it is walking out the door!

Teachers with inappropriate relationships with their students is becoming far too common, and reporter Kate Moss has a disturbing story on a Queensland teacher, which is both disturbing and a story, and needed to be recorded. But it was up to Shaun to actually take the tape up to the control room and put it on to play. “Darren” began a sexual relationship with a woman his own age, who is not currently a student. He’s worried if she enrols as a student, he’ll lose her to another teacher.

Sky News had to be applauded again, this time for their coverage of the Coles industrial dispute. In their story, they covered the savings customers could make by shopping at Coles – up to $450 a year. Not to be outdone, Shaun interview Brains O’Donnell from Woolworths, who have matched the 100 staff Coles have stood down, by retrenching 101 staff. And they will save you $451 dollars a year.

Shaun crossed over to Maggie at the London Olympics, but all they could see from their commentary box was the carpark. As they watched, two men in balaclavas “serviced” a van, and it exploded soon afterwards – the hospitality you could expect at the games. On the subject of Lauren Mark, she’s been photographed for Zoo in her bikini (“oh bloody hell” said Maggie), but it was different to the Kendrick Monk and Nick Darcy incident because they were swimmers posing with guns, and she’s a shooter posing in her swimmers. Sadly for Maggie, Lauren doesn’t shoot dressed in her bikini.

On the subject of sport and homosexuality, the Gay games are on soon and Buddy Le’mere was meant to pre-record a piece on the Australian table tennis team, and had to climb through the escape window after thinking it was an interview. Out of the five member team, only 2 are eligible for the gay “points” – Latoya who is a bisexual and Paris, who is so camp he is worth 45 points. But when Paris announces he wants to have gender reassignment and marry Steve Vizard, there is a crisis. To salvage their points, Paris will have an affair with Latoya, who will become exclusively lesbian. After the story, Buddy was still sitting at the desk with Shaun, prompting him to comment “the continuity on this show is appalling.”

Are solar flares back in fashion? We won’t know, because the show ran out of time, but Shaun did ponder on how it would have been a lot more fun if the CFMEU called itself the FUCME.

It was a tense discussion between an AIS official and a sports agent, as they argued about re-instating a former drug cheat back into the competition. The agent begged for his client to be heard, and when the official relented, in walked – a race horse. While the official didn’t believe the authenticity of the hand written note (“he’s got hooves”), he did suspend the ban, but the whole incident made him… as mad as hell!

Before Shaun could even start, Roz crashed her scooter into the set. And both Tony Abbott and Cambell Newman have had similar incidents, as had a whole list of politicians. Both Abbott and Gillard have been campaigning for and against the carbon tax recently, but also showing off their skills – Abbott assembled a wheelie bin to store asylum seekers. His logic to turn around the boats – “it was done in the past, it can be done in the future” – didn’t work for Young Talent Time.

Bobo Gargle, Rear P(r)etty Officer with the Navy, says he doesn’t have the powers of King Neptune to command the sea and turn around the boats, nor does he have a Kraken. In his opinion, it’s about perception – Christmas Island should be renamed to something less fun. Shove Tuesday would still be too nice, so Shaun suggested “Boxing Day Island”, the day we usually return presents. Shaun made the point that most illegal immigrants come via plane and overstay their Visas, but the petty officer said it was a can of worms to shoot down aircraft on the possibility there was someone on board who might overstay their visa.

It comes down to ASIO not having have enough staff to complete the security checks, but there is controversy in how their counter-latest terrorism operations are run – Grace Jones filed the story.. right down. She interviewed “Ferdinand St Monstermash” (not his real name) about some of the operations ASIO was doing – involving hiding listening devices on animals and spamming mobiles to detonate bombs, including explosive underpants hanging on a washing line.

On the subject of bombshells, Shaun checked in with Consuela Manatee who is back in London at the Ecuadorian embassy where Julian Assange is staying. She revealed he is a bad house guest, leaving his towels around, always on the phone and using all the Internet bandwidth to Google himself.

So Julian is a hero for hacking into private emails, but Rupert Murdoch is a pariah for hacking into mobile phones – it’s hypocrasy! Murdoch has hacked News Corp into two arms, but keeps a foot in both arms. Shaun spoke to media analyst Hermione Vibes, who says The News of The World was a disaster for Rupert, but so is The Sun – the newspaper, not the son, James. Nor the Sun at the cente of the solar system. Shaun warns against ever looking directly at it, and Herminoe agreed – “it’s a fucking terrible newspaper”.

Back at Murdoch’s Antipodean newspapers, there are cracks beginning to show, as their involvement in the Peter Slipper saga has become more about creating the news than reporting it. Time and Tide Correspondent Mathius Grogan, thinks the story has a lot in common with Watergate, even though the reporters in that incident worked after the event, while Steve Lewis reported on it during the event. The only common part was the concealment – notably Christopher Pyne concealing his blemishes.

Murdoch’s new paywalls may need some spak-filler, as a new Xanthe Kalamazoo reports. The editor of the Herald Sun, Simon Pristol has resigned, and announced his recognisition the only way he knew how – by a paper delivery round. And Fairfax is strugling too, with a few recent resignations. Xanthe interviewed a couple, Lionel (Stephen Hall) and Betty (Emily) Bronte, who sell ink cartridges. But Lionel makes his own ink from the 2000-3000 squid he owns, and if their business has to close, Betty’s going to turn them into calamari.

Back at the desk, Shaun and the Petty Officer re-enacted a scene for Clash of the Titans (!?) – “Brother, it is time for the mortals to pay. My child awaits your will.” “Release the Kraken!” Michael Ward appeared at the Kraken.

At the ABC Shop, there are a great range of tie-ins with popular ABC shows, including a 4 Corners Snow Dome and 320 gram pack of David Stratton beard trimmings. They need something to show the senate estimates committee!

Roz arrived on scooter with some breaking news, missing Tasmanian man Albert Duckworth has been located – in exactly the same pose as the police mannequin which had been setup for search for him. Roz won’t have any futher news on this.

A famous marriage was announced over this week, it was fun to watch, but seemed a bit wierd. It’s always going be hard when one party is more popular, has the power, and is part of a extremist cult. But was it Katie and Tom or The Greens and Labor?

It’s all about alligence, and even the Girl Guides have removed theirs to the queen and god. Josie Twinge reported on how it’s upset usually conservative monarchists, who have resorted to drive-bys on guide halls. Josie spoke to two guides in favour of the change – one who is a republican, the other who is a satanist. If Lord Baden Powell were alive today, he’d be alarmed at his state of decomposition.

Top of the Vox Pops this week: Should we put a cap on petrol tanks? One woman was upset that South Korea wanted to decimate the whale population – that was Japan’s job. And Nobby wouldn’t be poor if you paid him a million dollars.

Still on the countdown to the Olympics, Shaun spoke to Maggie Bathysphere again in the ABC sports commentary box. There’s been no interest in Wimbledon, since all the Australian’s are out, and all the information on the Tour de France comes via Maggie’s sister.

But the biggest news on the Olympics comes from a spat between two equestrian champions over the issue of preferential treatment in the qualification. What started as a pleasant conversation with Myfanwy, turned into an argument, and then a full scale fight right on the desk!

On the 43rd anniversary of man landing on the moon, Francis again spoke to William Duthie to get the Wisdom of the Elders. Bill had worked at the radio telescope in Parkes, but was surprised we as Australians had the ability to build a radio telescope, or even turn it on. He was more in-awe of the Americans. He advised on the movie The Dish – advised them not to make it, as the Americans looked not as ‘god like’ as they really were. Bill wishes he’d been born American, and had once even received an letter from Buzz Aldrin….’s solicitors.

Finally, what have we learnt from the faux electioneering of Gillard and Abbott? Abbott certainly has tried everything, from calming rodents, collecting wool, identifying the ground John Howard has walked on from the smell, and almost keeping his tongue in while sewing. While the Prime Minister has been meeting children… and meeting children.

“Warning: May Contain Traces of God Particle.”

Shaun was happy that Melinda Taylor was out, but he misses Muammar Gaddafi, and doesn’t think the misunderstanding in Libya would have happened under his leadership. Even his “look”  which commanded authority is missing, except in the Flight Centre ad. The ABS figures are also out, but only by 30-35,000.

The Carbon Tax has been in-place for a week, and if we put a thermometer under the earth’s armpit it would surely show that it’s cooler. But what about the people who pay the tax – us. It burns Shaun up that it’s our responsibility: ‘An Inconvenient Strewth’. Some of the interviews tonight might get a bit hairy, so Sophie Mirabella has joined the show as a St John’s Ambulance volunteer (after her sterling job on Q&A).

Puffy Kardashian Jnr (Francis), spokesman for Greg Combet, told Shaun it was very cynical to say that the tax is just about us making feel good about saving the environment, a bit like buying The Big Issue, but doesn’t actually change anything. It’s about convincing people to buy product which is cheaper because it is greener and it doesn’t attract the tax, rather than the polluting product which will now be more expensive. So why the household assistance package? Isn’t this a disincentive from buying the cheaper product? Puffy was speechless, then terminated the interview and stormed off, to hide in the spiral staircase.

When Shaun asked opposition spokesman, Siziwang Bana (Roz) if they would abolish the Carbon Tax AND the assistance package, she also told him that was very cynical attitude. She then used a bunch of sound bite opinions to describe how Australian’s feel about that tax, before telling Shaun that tackling climate change wasn’t about sound bites. It was then that Shaun noticed the antenna in her ear, receiving signals for what to say. She panicked and went to hide in the spiral staircase, with Puffy.

Fellow newsman Alan Jones thinks that the Labor party has become a divisive cult, but Shaun thinks he’s heard Alan called the same thing.

But Climate Change is about science and facts, and science-ographer Dr Barney Tremelo from CSO Fortescue Metals surprised Shaun by admitting the temperature of the earth was changing. But he argues we’re all too lazy to reduce our CO2 levels. 9/11 showed us that during the embargo on air travel, the lack of fuel particles made the earth warmer – we need to emit more to reflect the sunlight and save us from the CO2 produced by our “rainforests”. When Shaun asked for identification, he bolted for the staircase, but seeing it was full, ran out of the studio, through the ABC and the carpark to a waiting taxi.

Barney took refuge in his home, had a good night’s sleep and felt better in the morning. But without any milk, he made a trip to the shops, at it was here that a piano fell on him. “Insanity gone mad.”

Tony Abbott made his pledge to abandon the carbon tax in newspapers, which seems like he doesn’t want anyone to be aware of it, considering its an obsolete medium.

Xanthe Kalamazoo returned to look at the whether there was life in newspapers yet, discussing it with Caitlin Braniac, who likened News Corp separating their newspaper division from the film and TV division to a pirate hacking off a gangrenous leg. But Fairfax is breathing life into it’s “leg”, and changing the shape of it – not just to Tabloid size, but also Rhomboid, for columnists with an unusual angle.

Desiree Fulton (Emily) reported on the businesses that would be affected by the demise of newspapers: a Paper Mache business which no longer has a way to make its product, a Fish and Chippery which now uses iPads to serve their orders, and a Pet Shop which is now using iPhones to line the bottom of budgie (and parrot) cages. For newspapers it seems, are not just resting, they’ve expired, gone to meet their maker… they are an ex-medium. [Nothing like a Monty Python reference!]

The view from the Top of the Vox Pops started with a choreographed dance to Craig Emerson’s ‘Horror Movie’ performance before asking – “Should Craig Emerson be sent offshore for processing?” One couple was against more Librarian’s coming in, but Libyans were OK if they were qualified, and Nobby was back reminiscing about his 21st.

During the break, Miss Fisher was looking at the bludgeoned corpse of satire, diagnosing a dose of cheap innuendo and exaggerated character acting to cover the lack of content – but don’t dare suggest it be her.

Shaun looked at the new slogan of the Liberal party, “Hope Reward Opportunity” which is filled with such aspiration, but also a subliminal message: Ho ward. But Clive Palmer says that the Liberal’s are Stalinist, and wants to remove lobbyists from the party.To make that happen, Ian Smoothie, a spokesman, says Clive will need to get a group of people together who share his view to help enact change. When Shaun pointed out the irony, Ian tried to bolt, but Shaun convinced him to stay. He then asked Ian to tell us what it is Clive wants, which Ian then said, in Clive’s words and almost exact intonation – for over a minute.

Lack of respect of tradition raises Shaun’s ire. And the Prime Minister wants to get swap our 100 year old copper telephone network with the NBN. Where’s the respect for its years of service!? And why? Just so that she can compete with Korea. Shaun’s just not sure which one – there’s at least two we know of! North Korea don’t even have the Internet, but they do have respect for tradition, such as their celebrations  in remembrance of Kim Il-sung. But Shaun thinks Julia is actually jealous of how their leader gets to drive a tank, compare uniforms with her generals or have thousands offer to do the dusting. Just don’t send Julia a message from regional Australia – it will take ages to download.

The NBN will help people access online casinos, but when the government reneged on its plan to impose restrictions on the industry, the lobby groups went “bunta”. Trudy Progrock reported on if self-regulation was working, and a representative from Magic Unicorn Amusements showed off their latest range, which doesn’t have any flashing lights or pleasure at all. But the secret is actually the chairs, which has magnets to keep patrons on their chairs until all their change and metallic objects have been fed into the machine. When the representative was confronted about this, she too bolted.

In world news (“don’t switch off, it concerns us!”), and with the newly voted leader of the exiled Tibet government visiting Australia, Shaun crossed to the Mad As Hell Chinese Affiliate, who assured us that everything was fine in Tibet. She also advised that none of our leaders, no matter how lowly, should meet with the trator for the sake of peace and harmony with the fair and wise China.

Gay March talked with Shaun about the Queen’s visit to Ireland, where the theme was reconciliation – and reminding them she still ran their country, and they better not forget it.  She even met a former IRA leader, who managed to give Prince Philip a good fright.

Finally, Shaun touched on the winding back of the atomic clocks by one second this week, which was a good opportunity to think about others. Shaun used it to sleep in.

“Print version no longer available”

Shaun had mixed feelings this week, because Julian Assange was in trouble for running circles around the American judicial system, but Black Caviar could run in a circle around Royal Ascot and gets to come home. The whole topic of Justice has made Shaun flip his wig.

Will Sweden send Julian to the US for trial? Shaun consulted the former Frida from Bjorn Again (Roz), who insisted that Sweden was a nice, normal country which was less likely to do American’s bidding than Australia. Although, if Shaun wants to know if an extraction team will be sent in, ala Mossad and Adolf Eichmann, he would have to consult an Israeli tribute band. Without a Topol impersonator, he deferred to Becky Stoat, Barbra Striesand impersonator, who described the whole incident.

Bob Carr might say there’s no evidence of a secret extradition order, but we know it exists, just like the Yeti who works at a gas station in Memphis. Darbyshire Greenback from the US State Department, insists that Guantanamo will be closed in 2009 and there is no extradition treaty that Shaun is aware of.

If Ecuador do accept Assange, he will be in the hands of their justice system. Consuela Manatee, special envoy to the Ecudorian embassy, is on holiday… in Australia, and said Assange would be protected by the UNESCO World Heritage, like most of the country.

Xanthe Calamazoo began a discussion on privately run prisons. She reported on a prime example of a private prison in NSW, that is it was only divisible by one and itself. Jim Booth (Francis), owner/manager, lamented the time they opened the doors and all the prisoners escaped. One prisoner, Steve (Tosh), has learnt his lesson – to knock over an easier ATM. In the studio, Xanthe interviewed Maree Spoons who insisted it was a cycle from birth to prison to birth. Back to Jim, he didn’t apologise for the fact they lock out anyone who doesn’t return from day release.

Xanthe pointed out that people who know say retribution and rehabilitation don’t work together, but decided to ask someone who didn’t know [Played by Stephen Hall, one the writers] – he didn’t know.

The Top of the Vox Pops topic was “Should gay marriage by compulsory?”, but no-one really answered the question.

Shaun discussed the recent Newspoll results, and drew the conclusion that Australians wanted a coalition government with the preferred PM, Julia Gillard, as the leader, requiring Tony Abbott to join Labor, except that Kevin Rudd is the preferred Labor leader, but not with Tim Matheson.

Shaun unfashionably likes Tony Abbott, because he has the strength to say to the government “whatever it is you’re doing, I disagree with it 100%”. But he’s concerned that Tony’s old passion has disappeared, and blames Christopher Pyne’s laser eyes.

Invasion of privacy really gets Shaun’s dander up. Kate Moss was at the Gippsland home of a family who was requesting privacy after their son was found trafficking cannabis. The media may have left, but Kate would remain to make sure the family were indeed left alone.

Shaun was keen to salute the efforts of Sky News again, who when reporting on the Melbourne Water overcharge scandal, used 35 seconds of footage of water coming from taps, sinks, showers, washing machines, hoses, hoses and more hoses and back to taps – just to illustrate the point. Shaun then illustrated what winning two Walkleys would be like – not just one, but two.

In the break, the Australian Defence Force was recruiting with the slogan “deferring to the US wherever we can”. The latest Worksafe ad showed Simon, an intern at Worksafe, having an incident with a photocopier. And in the next BackBenched, Kevin Rudd can’t believe the government still has support ahead of the carbon tax starting.

In a world first, caught on camera at the G20, an Australian PM was complemented on their dress-sense. And it was Julia Gillard. Plus she got a kiss from Barak Obama. But it’s not the first time our PM has been kissed by a president; that last happened at John Howard’s receiving of the Medal of Freedom by George W. Bush.

The Rio and G20 summits may have achieved nothing, but at least the economy is in a worse state than the environment – we will run out of money to eat before the climate is ruined. If the summits arranged a deal with the Mexican drug cartel to fund raise, Julia Gillard could have made it back to a sports fundraising event. Mrs Conroy reported how $2m was raised, enough to keep one athlete in performance drugs for a month.

Shaun spoke to Maggie Bathysphere, who was still at the Olympic stadium in London, but the ABC Sports team had been watching YouTube clips rather than doing much reporting. Even with events such as Wimbledon and Tour de France happening around them, they were still preferring to use the services of the BBC or Fox Sports to watch them happen. But they could confirm, not one Australian was still in the tennis.

On the subject of Olympics, Mad As Hell had secretly filmed a ticketing corruption, where an official paid 100,000 Euros to get 100 people to attend the Canoe Slalom.

It was time one again for us to spend time with Bill Duthie and the Wisdom of the Elders, who was reminiscing about the change of the $2 note to the coin in 1988. He was glad to accept all of the examples Francis had. Bill himself had worked at the Royal Mint, and had entered his own design, but the scale and composition had made it impracticle – size of a dinner plate and made of solid gold.

And finally, Saudi Arabia has allowed one female athlete to the Olympics – shame her event is the 4×100 relay.