Author: Stuart

A time-travelling scientist accidentally steps on a butterfly in the distant past. When he returns to 2016, he discovers to his horror that his tiny action has altered the future – he’s married to a butterfly!

Shaun was mad as hell for the first time this series, because pre-polling has begun and it’s like opening your Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. What kind of person wouldn’t want to wait as long as possible to delay their political gratification? What kind of world are we living in where a 92 year old person could use the excuse that “they wouldn’t be able to walk up the hill to the school on election day” as a reason to prepoll? One unnamed audience member (Francis) says he used that exact reason, but admitted it was because he was sick of the whole campaign, the lies, the spin and the hi-vis vests.

Forty percent of people disapprove of Turnbull, and forty percent disapprove of Shorten – so what of the other 20%? Turnbull is confident the undecided will re-elect his government, but admits it’s their decision – regretfully, the government can’t re-elect itself. Shorten wouldn’t be so arrogant to say they would win, although is that more delusion than arrogance?

Shaun thinks highly of Mr Turnbull, equally doesn’t mind Mr Shorten either, and has a soft spot for the lovable eccentrics, like John Maddigan. It’s us, the voter, who are the issue, because we’ve given up listening and most of us don’t know enough about everything there is – omnignorance. If the voters could tell the politicians what they want to hear them say, it would certainly help the situation, and the new segment Demagogglebox is the answer, where our opinion is . If only we can pay enough attention while dual screening on our mobile phones. #WhatEvs

Preferences will play the biggest role in who gets elected, but what can we make of them when The Greens preference a candidate who has protested every Mardi Gras over a progressive one? Spokesgollum Corriander Tuesday (Emily) is of two minds on the subject, admitting The Greens have changed their mind, but the “tricksy media” is “making nasty wicked conclusions.” Jacqui Lambie isn’t doing any preference deals, and Dolly Norman (Roz) says that Jacqui just does whatever she likes, putting all the workers, families, veterans and students of Tasmania first, making it very crowded in top priority position.

Later in the week, Enid Swink is battling a witch hunt, personal tragedy, and some pretty terrible dialogue, in an ABC drama completely unlike anything with Marta Dusseldorp.

What about the delectable inland fruit meat of regional Australia – do they just have Barnaby Joyce looking out for them? Scott Morrison prophesied a Labor/Greens alliance might have anyone in a list of hypothetical unrealistic names standing up for the bush, but Caspar Jonquil is upset – ranting a bunch of baseless ideas and disconnected theories is his thing!

Media Sasquatch casts an eye on Bob Katter’s ad, which is more like a film: Katter plays himself, unconvincingly, squabbling over a “Australia For Sale” sign with the Labor and Liberal parties, until he shoots both of them dead. It’s daring, it’s bleak, and it’s a triumph, and it’s opening the Cairns, not Cannes, Film Festival.

The Liberals have been working on their own ad, one filled with the techno beats of DJ ScoMo and selling the message of the”greening of Labor”, but it’s “in your face” style is likely to lead to the browning of underpants. Bill could only counteract it with a Zinger, and not a good one.

Like a Bill Shorten Zinger, the NBN is something most Australian’s haven’t got, and to stop the it getting constipated, Labor think the project needs more fiber. To argue against this additional spending, Turnbull tried his own zinger – “Shortenonomics” – but it failed.

In an online video, Vote Compass mixed-up the most right-leaning, and most left-leaning electorates, and Shaun can only think it’s because either a magnet got too close to the compass, or because the Fact Check unit has been closed. It must be the latter, since even recent news bulletins have quoted “Prime Minister Derryn Hinch and his wife Scarlett Johansson”.

Later in the week: Howard is spending more time on Menzies. (literally)

Fancying himself a Kingmaker, Shaun has his eyes on Bert Van Manen, who might find himself as PM in 6 months of so. He has media savvy, being able to green-screen himself inside and outside the parliament in exactly the same suit, has the charisma of Luke McGreggor and political nous of Atilla the Hun – certainly one to watch.

Bill Duthie has the “Wisdom of the Elders”, although on the subject of former PMs, he has his Whitlam confused with his Chifley and his Holt. This election, Bill is supporting Tony Abbott, a rare politician who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “ousted.” Bill refuses to read the book about Abbott and Peta Credlin, since it’s full of scurrilous lies – he prefers listening to the audio book. He’s even kept a piece of the table Joe Hockey broke on the night of the party vote, which he keeps in a cupboard next to Harold Holt’s skeleton.

Finally, all the parties have been appealing to the migrant communities ahead of the election. Richard DiNatale goes as far to say that it is the migrant communities who have forged this nation – Shaun thinks it’s a brilliant forgery, since it’s got everyone fooled.

On a secret mission to kidnap a Nazi ocelot rumoured to know the codes to a submarine, a team of British commandos parachute into Berlin Zoo behind enemy lions.

Shaun was up all night watching his MySpace page, waiting for the online election debate to occur. He even considered looking at LinkedIn, but had to settle with cute animal videos. Sadly, some candidates have been having trouble grappling with new media, by sticking to the personal approach of brothel ownership, sending videos of themselves masturbating to their constituents or leaving behind a failed online startup which lost millions of dollars. But Michaelia Cash is not abandoning the traditional “talk to the voters”, which is good considering she can be lip-read from a kiliometre away.

Bill did two peoples forums in a row this week, debating himself when Malcolm didn’t turn up – Malcolm went to a (Leigh) Sales conference instead, already knowing what questions he didn’t want to answer and making sure Leigh asked them so he could avoid them. Bill struggled at his forum without someone to compare him to, like Chinotto vs sump oil. Chinotto – Into the Bin!
Labor supporters have a choice – attend the launch of their campaign next week, or watch any of the numerous programs on ABC, ABC2, ABC3 or ABC News 24 instead. With 17 days until the election, Ian Orbspider thinks it will difficult to launch something which has already begun, but only if space-time is curved. If they travel back into the past, we have another 4 weeks of campaigning, but they can get rid of David Feeney. Travelling into the future to see how their 10 year plan will go might not be in their best interests.

Financy Boy isn’t available to explain the complex financial issues of the election, so Shaun will do his best so that we the voters can make an informed decision when we step into the cardboard urinal on July 2nd. Labor and Liberal both have 10 year plans, heading in the same direction in different lanes, so much so that Turnbull agrees with Shorten from 2011, even though the Liberals disagreed at the time. Spokesperson for the PM, Balanda Crumpett (Roz), thinks anything can sound unfair if you put it into context, and that context only matters when it supports their argument.

The Libs say Labor’s “plan” is more of a pamphlet, which is the kind of line you’d hear in a half arsed comedy show – like this one. They also say there are more words in the latest Taylor Swift album than Labor’s 10 year plan, but Taylor Swift impersonator Chi-chi Mozilla (Emily) thinks it depends on if it’s her delux version of 1989.

Scott Morrison says Labor has declared a war on business AND growth – fighting on two fronts is difficult, and Napoleon (Francis) agrees.

Mike Svengali(?) (Stephen) has a 6 year old rat and is an inspiration member of the middle-class, and used to be a Labor man, but their negative gearing changes makes him worry about his superfund. Only Caspar Jonquil understands the superannuation changes, but it would be surprising if you wanted to talk to him about it, or anything else.

Later in the week: A fear people said was unthinkable, that no one would listen to; In a place called the future, anything is probable. Too Cleverman 0.5

Bill Shorten was firm Labor would accept the decision of the Fair Work Commission on penalty rates, but only if they remained the same. Anything else would be as likely as aliens making contact, but Crane Girdle (Stephen) thinks will it depend if the aliens are willing to accept a cut in the Sunday pay, and we should be careful picking a fight with the war-like races.

Bill seems to like a joke (especially his zingers), but began his bus tour with the announcement: “Welcome to the Bill Bus.” He may have almost said “Welcome to the Shorten Bus”, but because it sounds too much like Short Bus, the film full of explicit group sex, he swapped to “Bill Bus.” Is Shaun completely overthinking it? Write in to win a Ticky Tocky Alarm Clock so you’ll never miss an episode of The Business.

On 4 Corners this week, a look at what it takes to run an Australian farm – from the overseas investors who do it everyday from boardrooms.

In Sport, Maria Sharapova has been banned on her use of not a melodica, not a harmonium, not Boney M, but Meldonium. Chunketta Tongue (Emily), an abattoir administrator, uses it to improve her blood flow, with only the side effect being excessive grunting.

Andrew Hastie has been dumped from the Army Reserve for appearing on a election poster in his uniform, but if he’s in camouflage, surely it’s not highly visible? Bobo Gargle (Francis) says the ADF has to remain impartial or on the fence, but not on defense – it would be ridiculous to defend those we’re fighting. Bobo wants to break the glass ceiling for women, or at least unleash a (zombie) Kraken it!

Speaking of zombies, Richard DiNatale accused the Liberals of resurrecting the zombie of Tony Abbott, but how do you resurrect something already resurrected?

Later in the week: John Howard talks when he first met Robert Menzies, and how he got invited to a “freak out” which ended in him being signed up as a member of Liberal party. Howard on Menzies (literally).

George Pell tendered his resignation as per tradition on turning 75, which, also as tradition, is likely to not be accepted by the Pope. Bishop Straightman says Bishop Pell is having a quiet, reflective birthday, but Cardinal Nosey has organised a complete “Carry On” for his most holy.

Shaun has noticed that Labor’s 10 Year Plan has some similar photos to the Coalition’s Plan from 2013, from the seating arrangement to the venetian blinds – if only they could be in a room together, imagine what could be accomplished!

Matron, please!

A dying man decides to embark on a 2000km road trip with his son to visit something or other one last time. But as a surprise, the son buys a pair of plane tickets, so they end up flying instead.

The back has been broken of this election, but it’s not paralysed. In fact Labor and Bill have increased in popularity, and Shaun think it’s due to the support of Mad As Hell and his promotion of Bill’s zingers. But what about the Libs and Turnbull? Shaun thinks he’s a smooth operator, but has identified Malcolm’s tell: his propensity to raise up on his toes, and has helpfully highlighted it in order to help Malcolm overcome it. Malcolm is relatable though, because he was once a child, like most of us, but also is willing to talk about sport. Bill tried that, but didn’t know his Maroons from his Storm.

Can Malcolm learn anything from Donald Trump? Only if it’s how to wrestle in the WWE. If he’s looking for bozo’s to inspire him, there’s plenty of local ones – ie. high-ranking MPs – who don’t know their own parties policies. Not to mention all the minor party candidates, who Turnbull likens to throwing your vote away. Like James Mathisen, former Australian Idol presenter and Wake Up host, who is up against Tony Abbott in Warringah – you can vote for James by sending an SMS to 1888 99 66.

Shaun thinks we should look out for NSW MP Robert Borsak, a member of the Shooters, Fishers and Farmers party, who claims to have shot, killed and eaten an Elephant – a meal that both the meal and the diner never forgets.

The Australian Christian Lobby is linking gay marriage to the rise of Nazi Germany, and the recent parades of gay people marching through the streets of Sydney on their way to Poland would certainly suggest this to be true.

Sticking to the far-right, the Australian Liberty Alliance is unaware of their dwindling relevance because the leader doesn’t pay attention to the media, or much else. Their call for bans on face coverings puts them as strange bed fellows to the Victorian Police Minister, who voiced his support for the ban after recent clashes between anti-Halal supporters, proving disagreements about how food is prepared can turn ugly (as a photo of Gordon Ramsay shows). Jasper Zelwegger from the Party for Freedom defends his right to his own freedom to deny other people their freedoms. Joachim Spinefex is strongly against Jasper’s group, and will use violence to defend his position. Freedom of Speech is about who is able to call the other unAustralian the loudest, but Shaun wonders why can’t we just live together? (Nailed it!)

Pauline Hansen is on tour, launching her campaign with the slogan: “You don’t have to be white to be Australian” (but it still matters who and where you worship and where you come from.)

Soon on ABC: Once in a while, ruled by hate, in a world that hates rules, anonymity has a name. A show where real social issues are combined with science fiction and questionable acting – Too Cleverman By Half, Thursday 9:32pm.

The ACCC has fined Woolworths for selling laundry detergent in ultra-concentrate form but not passing the savings on. It seems the former buyers at Woolworths are to blame, but Dragon O’Hennessy (Francis) is just as happy with being labelled dealer or juggler. He has the good stuff, and as it’s easier to transport in concentrate, and they’ve made more from the scheme than the fine from the ACCC, which is a like a “drop of powerball detergent tablet in the ocean.” He also gave Shaun a sample, but using it might cause you to find yourself in hot water.

There’s a Twitter war between the Libs and Nick Xenophon’s team over stolen electoral posters, but Jelly Cannister (Emily) has found the culprit – herself. She’s such as fan of Christopher Pyne that stealing 500 posters seems fairly rational, although the nurse says she can’t fit them all on the wall.

In News from Countries Other Than Australia (brought to you by the Mad As Hell Voting Gyroscope), anti-slavery documents have been sold at auction, presumably with some rich white people bidding over them. The Pope has praised some actors for their work on a Vatican education initiative, but was less positive about some of their box office flops. Afterwards, George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin met the Pope, both looking fetching in their suit and knee-length dress respectively, as was Cardinal George Pell when he was recently spotted in his tweed sports jacket downing a pot of Peroni over lunch.
A recent Unesco report on climate changes influence on world heritage sites and tourism has had a section on the Great Barrier Reef removed from it, which is like leaving Shaun out of a Facebook page of Australian TV hotties. Government advisor Bison Jugular (Roz) says that if the government hadn’t asked for it to be removed from the report, tourists may have stopped visiting the reef because it was dying, which it is, but they shouldn’t know that.

Derica Boing investigated the seat of Fairfax, the soon-to-be-former seat of Clive Palmer, and after that experience, found that the locals have a strong, strong distrust of politicians.

The woman famous for having a mattress named after her, the Queen, is celebrating her 90th birthday. Lois Price (Emily) was high in the sky, talking Shaun through the photo shoot in Vanity Fair: one with her and her pure and cross bred dogs and another with her in-bred grandchildren. Don’t forget to mention this program when visiting Li’s Popup Massage Tent for a look of confusion.

You won’t see that kind of satire on The Chaser.

Haunted by the death of her refrigerator expansion valve, a young woman moves to Tuscany to begin a new life, only to discover that you can’t escape your past (the broken expansion valve follows her there).

Where were you when Bill Shorten debated Malcolm Turnbull? Probably watching Masterchef. Bill’s having trouble saying Malcolm’s favourite word: growth. Which is a problem with a little over a month till the election, according to Barbara’s election countdown jumbo-tron. It’s a long campaign, but the Americans do it longer, not that we can learn anything from them.

The polls have both leaders at 50/50, so they must be doing something right. Both are doing the opposite of each other – if one wears a yellow hi-vis vest, the other will wear orange. But they’ll need to differentiate themselves more, maybe not as much as the new leader of the Philippines, who wants to personally shoot people who are into drugs. Pauline Hansen has been trying her best, but that mostly involves waving at passing cars.

In fact, both sides have been helping each other. Scott Morrison examined Labor spending black hole, but created a black hole of his own within it. Ian Orbspider, professor of pedantics (Francis), believes that the black hole can only be seen by special tools, possibly such as Christopher Pyne. Tony Burke of Labor was proud to announce that Liberal party policies will be announced by the Liberal party, but it was Mathias Cormann’s accidental praise of Bill Shorten that finally got a zinger out of Bill: that Turnbull’s scare campaign was terminated.

Darius Horsham doesn’t think much of the links between Mathias and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and believes his accent is perfectly reasonable. But be aware: a Medicare rebate freeze is coming!

Barnaby Joyce proved he thinks more of animals leaving the country than arriving (ala Johnny Depp), linking it with people smuggling, but it was David Feeney who ran out of feet to shoot. Acting flustered during an interview, he forgot one policy because he’d been focusing on his previous forgetful gaff – proving there’s only so much information you can fail to take in. He then left behind confidential campaign material in the hands of the media.

Sgt Max Payne (Francis) takes a dim view of a former NSW Labor boss misusing electoral role details, especially in a low light. Threatening messages can be made with bullets or through sabotage, like using the incorrect wallpaper throughout an apartment building – it is wrong on so many levels.

Don’t forget that this election, the way you number (sequentially) the boxes (not randomly) on your white (not green) senate (not house of representatives) ballot paper has changed.

To help people determine which senate nutcases they are voting for, there will be party logos on the ballot papers. Marty Goldsmooth (Nicholas) helped guide Shaun through some of the logos, although he wasn’t very good at picking them.

We all have to live within our means, and Gareth McTrubador (Francis) helped explain trickle-down-economics by describing how more of his colleagues are required to clear up the mess created by the rich when they pour too much champagne on a tower of glasses.

What happens when some of the children in this ‘unattended creche’ act like turds? ASIC is the nanny in this analogy, but what is stopping the banks from passing on the new ASIC levy to customers? Vana Carpathian (Emily) and Leizel (Roz) from the ANZ were as helpful as always in answering Shaun’s questions, although there might be a service charge.

Later, Shaun will talk to a parent about the new “silent on the sidelines” initiative, although it may descend into violence.

Coming up after the show, an Old English Comedian’s tour of Mexican Laundromats. On ABC2, Father Brown threatens to cancel his Telstra contract due to its support of gay marriage.

Fairfax is undergoing more cuts and Cardimom Pye (Francis) doesn’t think quality will be compromised, because it is easily exchanged with quantity. Chris Lorax (Tosh) from News Corp explained they keep their head above water by reducing the text content to almost nil, matching their readers desire to read with their staff’s ability to write.

The Media Sasquatch cast its eye on Andrew Bolt’s segment on Sky, who works 70 hours a day, 7 days a week – bending the laws of time. And his $200 per editorial fee is taxed at 50%, which goes towards the very welfare he earns a living complaining about – Shaun smells a Logie!

What does Free Range mean for eggs? Fart McKaskill investigates how the new regulations discriminate against agoraphobia chickens, but could be a godsend to those who have an entire apartment building to themselves. Smaller farms can’t compete in this new free range market, but perhaps the free range asylum seeker market is more lucrative.

Finally, Malcolm might have been reduced to some awful puns during this campaign, but at least they are not as bad as Bill’s zingers.

During a sudden moon storm, a space baker is abandoned by his fellow astronauts. Talking to himself so we understand what he’s thinking, the space baker must ration a single sachet of yeast to survive.

Malcolm Turnbull’s popularity is slipping, and he could face a leadership challenge from someone more popular, like Julia Gillard (if only she was running). Bill Shorten is at minus 6 in his popularity, but if he builds on it, he could get to zero. Maybe he could bring back his zingers?

Turnbull has a strong logo to promote his coalition team, with a strong border, which suggests a lot about their attitude to people smugglers. If his team was stronger, they may have stopped the leaking of the NBN documents – certainly the AFP are still looking for the source, and they stopped by to see Tony Jones about it. Labor is very cross over their offices being raided, and have used parliamentary privilege to silence an un-named NBN employee who took photos during the raid, who Mad As Hell has called “Tangello Zapata” (Stephen). He did delete the photos as requested, but not before emailing them to his colleagues, friends and family.

Next on ABC: Joe Hockey’s Washington, Embarrassing Bodies (like the ACCC, the Australian Press Council, Climate Change Authority) and Kitchen Cabinet Extension focuses on international psychopaths.

Clive Palmer isn’t going to run for the senate, but is confident his party will still keep the bastards honest, although Jacqui Lambie is aiming to make the bastards honest. Jacqui is focusing on security, and thinks that terror suspects need to be arrested before they even commit a crime. Dolly Norman (Roz) thinks if they can do it in Minority Report, why not here?

Later in the week: a teetotaler, an intellectual, asexual academic who isn’t interested in sport and hasn’t sung to Khe Sanh – UnAustralian Story, Tuesday 8pm.

Milk. Coles are introducing a milk which will give consumers the choice to pay more to support the farmers, even though they are the ones driving down gate prices. Gamma Peedi (Emily) thinks having a brand supporting farmers is about choice, and the use of emotions such as guilt, pity, remorse and shame, even hate, to drive consumers is an avenue Coles is keen on. Their new brand, Fuck You Farmers, will be in stores soon.

The ballet paper for this election is going to look different to the last time you drew a penis and testicles on it. To help with the change, the AEC have an example paper, but the Cloud Party and Humid Party have strong opposition to the Fog/Sun Coalition, which Clancy Lanyard (Roz) thinks has a strong chance in the polls. However she couldn’t get her graphics to work, so couldn’t prove it – Kerry O’Brian would be annoyed.

Scott Morrison thinks that every time Bill Shorten’s lips move, he’s spending money, but does that count when voters lock lips with him? Michaelia Cash still holds the lip moving record.

Which party are the biggest arsehole to immigrants? The Not-That-Keen-On-Immigration Minister, Peter Dutton, doesn’t think much of the Greens policy, believing immigrants are illiterate and innumerate and will take our jobs. It doesn’t say much for those they take the jobs of, not to mention that our politicians seem to be innumerate – David Feeney can’t even count the number of investment properties he has.

The campaign trail is relentless, with photo opportunity after photo opportunity and drink at a bar after drink. Did Sir Peter Cosgrove call an election or last drinks? Send your entries to this rhetorical question c/o the ABC.

The NSW electoral commission won’t give the Liberals money due to non-disclosure of election funds, so they are down by $4.4million in funds. To help out, Mad As Hell have created an ad for Ian Goodenough, member for Moore, who really is only just good enough.

Coming Soon to ABC: beauty only gets you so far in a boys club, because cleaning up a world that just got a whole lot dirtier is hard, but who ever said union smashing was ever meant to be soft? Or that a scum was ever easy to remove… Enid Swink. (not to be confused with Janet King)

News from Countries Other Than Australia: the University of East Anglia has banned the throwing of mortar boards, suggesting they should be mimed and photoshopped in – why not just mock up the entire degree and save the HECS debt! (NAILED IT!) A Boston Hospital has performed a penis transplant, but Dr Brian Appointment (Francis) insists the donor is always from a stiff, touch wood. And the mayor of a local town in New York State has been arrested for stealing 111 road signs – apparently the limit is 110.

Coming Soon to the ABC: a new take on Kitchen Cabinet, with ABC journalists visiting the homes of politicians to help out with domestic chores. It’s followed by a sense of emptiness.

Bill Duthie has the wisdom of the elders, and irrespective of the $16 million which had been promised to Cadbury last election has been diverted elsewhere, he is going to act as ambassador at the Rio Paralympics for them, throwing them to the crowd or at the athletes if he’s facing the wrong way. He has a long history in the chocolate industry, originally suggesting plastic should be put in Mars bars. He also invited Francis to stand in a bath of …. chocolate.

Turnbull is taking a leaf out of Howard’s book by saying that his government will decides who comes here, but perhaps he should have taken a leaf out of a leaf blowers mouth before he did a full rendition of We Are Australian.