Category: Mad as Hell

Gerry Bowdang was certainly interested in the prospect of child sponsorship; $39 a month seemed quite reasonable. But he was keen to maximise his exposure, and wanted the child to wear the ‘Gerry Bowdang Accountants’ t-shirt and cap for his side of the sponsorship. The agency worker had to be excused… so she could turn on the gas – the whole thing had made her as mad as hell!

This week’s episode was brought to you by the National Disability Insurance Scheme, except in the states who still hadn’t agreed on it.

Shaun, like most Australian’s, compensates for his feeling of cultural inferiority by over stressing the importance of sport – he loves it, and the Olympics. It burns him up that the female basketball team had to travel premium economy, while the men travelled business, so he put it to AOC liason officer Trent Breen (Tosh), who agreed. As Trent was treated to champagne and duck curry, he elaborated on how sport had no class system, and if he watched female sports he wouldn’t care which sex they were. Su Thrivingly, a former Chef de Mission, also agreed, saying that how athletes are treated should be based on how proud we feel about them; nothing else. Su herself was treated to water and an apple, at a cost of $9. And a female flag bearer would be great, assuming she was of flag bearing age.

Later, Shaun will talk to 7th place Tour de France getter Cadel Evans, who has returned home in a crate, and British Open (loser) Adam Scott, who is just wrapped like a parcel.

Like many others, Shaun received a text message blackmailing him for money on the threat of death – but in his case, it was just from Josh Thomas.

Tony Abbott has interrupted his national hairnet tour to visit the US and China, because he wants to be seen in the company of other world leaders. ie. product placement. US Vice President Joe Biden referred to Abbott as Prime Minister, although his gaff record is pretty high. But Abbott seemed Prime Ministerial, as he criticised our defence spending and then pretended to be best friends with both the US *and* China. Tosca Le Roux, who is embedded with Abbott, thinks he is just getting excited, playing to the crowd. She doesn’t think being embedded compromises her independence, and before she could make her one complaint about Chinese press freedoms… the link was cut.

With the UK police, army and striking border control workers distracted by the Olympics, it occurs to Shaun that it would be a great opportunity for Julian Assange to escape the Ecuadorian embassy. Xanthe (Roz) spoke to Carrington Mews (Francis), former ASIO agent, who had a model (of a plane), but also a plan for Julian to escape underground into Harrods, possibly in(to) women’s underwear.

But Julian’s not the only one travelling to a small country in South America – Médecins Sans Qualifications is a small group working in Columbia, with a team of three who have no idea about what they are doing. Even their misplaced over enthusiasm can’t save the people who they ‘extract’ from the nearby hospitals.

To the Top of the Vox Pops (“Are Height Loss Centres a good idea?), where reading about print proves that it isn’t dead, Lionel revealed his password is password, and Guido Hatzis admitted to being responsible for the latest glacier separation.

Union Leader Tony Sheldon has threatened to withdraw political donations to Labor if they dump Julia Gillard before the next election, but spokesman Steve McCloud quite calmly advised that he didn’t hear a threat at all, and neither did Shaun. Julia was merely their preference – Steve didn’t believe anyone was doing any bullying, and any “over-educated, snow-topped TV nancy boy” should be careful what they say, unless he wants to be “filled in” at a concrete pour.

In the latest ABC Shop ad, the staff are undertrained, inexperienced and underqualified – but suggest that customers shop online instead, where it’s cheaper, and you’re out of a job.

Wayne Swan’s impersonator was unavailable to discuss the latest poll figures for Labor or Julia Gillard’s leadership, so Shaun spoke to chief of staff Brian Gorman impersonator Allan Goldsby (Francis), who refuted all speculation on a leadership change, pointing to the source of the speculation as the media itself – they only deny it because the media speculates it. Mr Goldsby also does a good Milo Kerrigan impersonation, and Shaun admitted it was quite accurate.

Later, in a finance report, Shaun will find out that the reason Jack Cowen got a seat on the Fairfax board to represent Gina Rinehart – as he owns so many fast food outlets, it’s more of a customer loyalty thing.

If laughter makes the world go round, Mad As Hell is going to aid that rotation with a new segment – “Prankz”. Veronica and Tosh (both with university degrees, so this counts as satire), kidnapped Wayne Swan while dressed as coins, taking him for a ride like he has the economy, then dropping him out of a plane, so he can feel what it’s like for the Australian dollar to drop below parity. Even after Swan ended up in the hospital, they blocked up all the toilets so he had to walk to the porta-loo in the carpark… then blew it up with a rocket launcher. That was the final straw, as all the hospital staff chased them off into the distance.

It was over to Maggie again at the commentary box, and even after 2 and 1/2 months of preparation, they were going to skip the Olympics opening ceremony to catch a West End show. Especially since the BMX demonstration was dropped from the ceremony, and Maggie is certainly a fan. But why drop 30 minutes when you could start 30 minutes earlier? The Duke of Kent interrupted, and no more sense could be made.

Luckily we had Bill and his wisdom to reflect on Olympic history, although he forgot Melbourne ever held the games before Sydney in 2000. Back in those days, Bill recalls a fear of the unknown, and foreigners arriving in big metal birds frightened us. He also remembers rounding up the vagrants and shooting stray dogs, but not much else. But he did have Dawn Fraser, or more accurately Matt Welsh, staying with him in the spare room.

Shaun has certainly enjoyed doing Mad As Hell, but rather than speak for the rest of the cast – he’ll sing about it! And we were treated to a performance of The Look of Love.

Thank you indeed Verity.

On a pleasant day, as a group of girls played in a park, a well dressed man sat on the park bench singing about the joy of little girls to the mother next to him. As the police arrived and he was dragged away, he was heard to yell “I’m as Mad As Hell!”

Congratulations to Brisbane, who won the rights to host the 2014 G20 Summit, but Shaun wasn’t happy with the way they won it – with attack ads on rival Sydney. But Sydney ran their own, pointing out that Josh Thomas was from Brisbane – “enough said.”  But Josh was in the audience, and took great offence, running out of the studio. “There goes the [TAYG] reunion special.”

Shaun reminded us we’re all going to die – from the inside. We’re fat, stupid and insufficiently insured. It makes him Mad As Health, so who can we blame? Dr Enrico Krull (Francis) thinks that physical science should help medical science, by having doctors use the Higgs-Boson to travel back in time to stop the patient from ever contracting the disease, which would free up the original appointment, saving them time and reducing waiting lists. Eventually, the diseases will be eradicated and governments could have a reason to close hospitals. But Dr Krull isn’t worried about losing his job – he’s a plastic surgeon, and there’s no cure for vanity.

But what about obesity? Without being prompted, Dr Krull offered to lipo-suction Shaun’s fat to his lips. But on the issue of child obesity, Leigh Sales thought it appropriate to bring the topic up on 730 and then close with an interview with Clive Palmer. Sociologist Marie Spoons (Roz), thinks it’s OK for obese parents to raise obese children, because they’re stupid, but skinny parents who raise obese children need to be put in prison with cages of rats on their head.

2UE Road Rage presenter Marty Scrote (Tosh) is against the idea of attacks on junk food. He’s also against a tax too, it’s the fault of the parents, not the sponsors of his show. Marie agrees – a 2L big slam of Pepsi Max is fine for a child, in moderation, but couple it with a jumbo bucket of popcorn chicken and then drop them at a screening of The Human Centipede – “is border-line child neglect.”

But is having unqualified people overreacting to the problem with opinion blunting the message? Cloris Webbler, Friends of the ABC secretary thinks that the sooner these people realise that not have having a proper perspective is causing more obesity, the sooner we can punish them with weapons and acid.

Our health care is in crisis, but before Shaun could throw to Xanthe, he caught Dr Krull lipo-suctioning his fat out of his hips – “That’s my personal private fat!”

It was a new Xanthe Kalamazoo (Emily) who threw to a report by Paula Mildrew (Veronica) on the lack of sufficient beds in hospitals, leaving patients to be stranded in corridors. The latest development is the creation of Multistory Corridors, to be built next to overcrowded hospitals. Each corridor can sleep up to 144 in an entire building, and even more if the floors are removed and patients are just tipped in.

As Paula signed off, Mrs Kalamazoo was given bad news about her husband by the doctor – and she was requested to give the consent to switch off the life support. There were patients in desperate need for his… bed. It was actually a hospital administrator dressed as a doctor, and although they could administer treatment, the hospital’s figures would look better if they treated more lucrative patients.

Shaun acknowledged that last report had become more of a sketch, full of actors pretending to be real people. But if the “success” of The Shire has shown anything, it’s that we “want to know what real people pretending to be actors think.” And on The Top of the Vox Pops, Nobby would choose China as a superpower, and Lionel thinks that fat orphans debunks the theory that obesity is child abuse.

With London calling (and reversing the charges) for the Olympics, Gay March was back to talk all things British. Before the Olympic torch arrived, the city hadn’t seen a display of combustible energy since the London riots. G4S has security in order, hiring the unemployed and marginalised, while the army is in charge of parking and tourist information. And Mayor Boris Johnson is pleased with the new watertank, which will dilute the beer more than it already is. Gay invited Shaun down the pub to watch it while drinking lashing of warm tea, but he insisted he can’t make it.

In the latest Worksafe ad, protection from losing your arm from a button injury doesn’t apply when you’re an unpaid family member. At the ABC Shop, come in now and buy something so you’ll have a distraction at Christmas if you become redundant. And anything with Stephen Fry’s face on it is walking out the door!

Teachers with inappropriate relationships with their students is becoming far too common, and reporter Kate Moss has a disturbing story on a Queensland teacher, which is both disturbing and a story, and needed to be recorded. But it was up to Shaun to actually take the tape up to the control room and put it on to play. “Darren” began a sexual relationship with a woman his own age, who is not currently a student. He’s worried if she enrols as a student, he’ll lose her to another teacher.

Sky News had to be applauded again, this time for their coverage of the Coles industrial dispute. In their story, they covered the savings customers could make by shopping at Coles – up to $450 a year. Not to be outdone, Shaun interview Brains O’Donnell from Woolworths, who have matched the 100 staff Coles have stood down, by retrenching 101 staff. And they will save you $451 dollars a year.

Shaun crossed over to Maggie at the London Olympics, but all they could see from their commentary box was the carpark. As they watched, two men in balaclavas “serviced” a van, and it exploded soon afterwards – the hospitality you could expect at the games. On the subject of Lauren Mark, she’s been photographed for Zoo in her bikini (“oh bloody hell” said Maggie), but it was different to the Kendrick Monk and Nick Darcy incident because they were swimmers posing with guns, and she’s a shooter posing in her swimmers. Sadly for Maggie, Lauren doesn’t shoot dressed in her bikini.

On the subject of sport and homosexuality, the Gay games are on soon and Buddy Le’mere was meant to pre-record a piece on the Australian table tennis team, and had to climb through the escape window after thinking it was an interview. Out of the five member team, only 2 are eligible for the gay “points” – Latoya who is a bisexual and Paris, who is so camp he is worth 45 points. But when Paris announces he wants to have gender reassignment and marry Steve Vizard, there is a crisis. To salvage their points, Paris will have an affair with Latoya, who will become exclusively lesbian. After the story, Buddy was still sitting at the desk with Shaun, prompting him to comment “the continuity on this show is appalling.”

Are solar flares back in fashion? We won’t know, because the show ran out of time, but Shaun did ponder on how it would have been a lot more fun if the CFMEU called itself the FUCME.

It was a tense discussion between an AIS official and a sports agent, as they argued about re-instating a former drug cheat back into the competition. The agent begged for his client to be heard, and when the official relented, in walked – a race horse. While the official didn’t believe the authenticity of the hand written note (“he’s got hooves”), he did suspend the ban, but the whole incident made him… as mad as hell!

Before Shaun could even start, Roz crashed her scooter into the set. And both Tony Abbott and Cambell Newman have had similar incidents, as had a whole list of politicians. Both Abbott and Gillard have been campaigning for and against the carbon tax recently, but also showing off their skills – Abbott assembled a wheelie bin to store asylum seekers. His logic to turn around the boats – “it was done in the past, it can be done in the future” – didn’t work for Young Talent Time.

Bobo Gargle, Rear P(r)etty Officer with the Navy, says he doesn’t have the powers of King Neptune to command the sea and turn around the boats, nor does he have a Kraken. In his opinion, it’s about perception – Christmas Island should be renamed to something less fun. Shove Tuesday would still be too nice, so Shaun suggested “Boxing Day Island”, the day we usually return presents. Shaun made the point that most illegal immigrants come via plane and overstay their Visas, but the petty officer said it was a can of worms to shoot down aircraft on the possibility there was someone on board who might overstay their visa.

It comes down to ASIO not having have enough staff to complete the security checks, but there is controversy in how their counter-latest terrorism operations are run – Grace Jones filed the story.. right down. She interviewed “Ferdinand St Monstermash” (not his real name) about some of the operations ASIO was doing – involving hiding listening devices on animals and spamming mobiles to detonate bombs, including explosive underpants hanging on a washing line.

On the subject of bombshells, Shaun checked in with Consuela Manatee who is back in London at the Ecuadorian embassy where Julian Assange is staying. She revealed he is a bad house guest, leaving his towels around, always on the phone and using all the Internet bandwidth to Google himself.

So Julian is a hero for hacking into private emails, but Rupert Murdoch is a pariah for hacking into mobile phones – it’s hypocrasy! Murdoch has hacked News Corp into two arms, but keeps a foot in both arms. Shaun spoke to media analyst Hermione Vibes, who says The News of The World was a disaster for Rupert, but so is The Sun – the newspaper, not the son, James. Nor the Sun at the cente of the solar system. Shaun warns against ever looking directly at it, and Herminoe agreed – “it’s a fucking terrible newspaper”.

Back at Murdoch’s Antipodean newspapers, there are cracks beginning to show, as their involvement in the Peter Slipper saga has become more about creating the news than reporting it. Time and Tide Correspondent Mathius Grogan, thinks the story has a lot in common with Watergate, even though the reporters in that incident worked after the event, while Steve Lewis reported on it during the event. The only common part was the concealment – notably Christopher Pyne concealing his blemishes.

Murdoch’s new paywalls may need some spak-filler, as a new Xanthe Kalamazoo reports. The editor of the Herald Sun, Simon Pristol has resigned, and announced his recognisition the only way he knew how – by a paper delivery round. And Fairfax is strugling too, with a few recent resignations. Xanthe interviewed a couple, Lionel (Stephen Hall) and Betty (Emily) Bronte, who sell ink cartridges. But Lionel makes his own ink from the 2000-3000 squid he owns, and if their business has to close, Betty’s going to turn them into calamari.

Back at the desk, Shaun and the Petty Officer re-enacted a scene for Clash of the Titans (!?) – “Brother, it is time for the mortals to pay. My child awaits your will.” “Release the Kraken!” Michael Ward appeared at the Kraken.

At the ABC Shop, there are a great range of tie-ins with popular ABC shows, including a 4 Corners Snow Dome and 320 gram pack of David Stratton beard trimmings. They need something to show the senate estimates committee!

Roz arrived on scooter with some breaking news, missing Tasmanian man Albert Duckworth has been located – in exactly the same pose as the police mannequin which had been setup for search for him. Roz won’t have any futher news on this.

A famous marriage was announced over this week, it was fun to watch, but seemed a bit wierd. It’s always going be hard when one party is more popular, has the power, and is part of a extremist cult. But was it Katie and Tom or The Greens and Labor?

It’s all about alligence, and even the Girl Guides have removed theirs to the queen and god. Josie Twinge reported on how it’s upset usually conservative monarchists, who have resorted to drive-bys on guide halls. Josie spoke to two guides in favour of the change – one who is a republican, the other who is a satanist. If Lord Baden Powell were alive today, he’d be alarmed at his state of decomposition.

Top of the Vox Pops this week: Should we put a cap on petrol tanks? One woman was upset that South Korea wanted to decimate the whale population – that was Japan’s job. And Nobby wouldn’t be poor if you paid him a million dollars.

Still on the countdown to the Olympics, Shaun spoke to Maggie Bathysphere again in the ABC sports commentary box. There’s been no interest in Wimbledon, since all the Australian’s are out, and all the information on the Tour de France comes via Maggie’s sister.

But the biggest news on the Olympics comes from a spat between two equestrian champions over the issue of preferential treatment in the qualification. What started as a pleasant conversation with Myfanwy, turned into an argument, and then a full scale fight right on the desk!

On the 43rd anniversary of man landing on the moon, Francis again spoke to William Duthie to get the Wisdom of the Elders. Bill had worked at the radio telescope in Parkes, but was surprised we as Australians had the ability to build a radio telescope, or even turn it on. He was more in-awe of the Americans. He advised on the movie The Dish – advised them not to make it, as the Americans looked not as ‘god like’ as they really were. Bill wishes he’d been born American, and had once even received an letter from Buzz Aldrin….’s solicitors.

Finally, what have we learnt from the faux electioneering of Gillard and Abbott? Abbott certainly has tried everything, from calming rodents, collecting wool, identifying the ground John Howard has walked on from the smell, and almost keeping his tongue in while sewing. While the Prime Minister has been meeting children… and meeting children.

“Warning: May Contain Traces of God Particle.”

Shaun was happy that Melinda Taylor was out, but he misses Muammar Gaddafi, and doesn’t think the misunderstanding in Libya would have happened under his leadership. Even his “look”  which commanded authority is missing, except in the Flight Centre ad. The ABS figures are also out, but only by 30-35,000.

The Carbon Tax has been in-place for a week, and if we put a thermometer under the earth’s armpit it would surely show that it’s cooler. But what about the people who pay the tax – us. It burns Shaun up that it’s our responsibility: ‘An Inconvenient Strewth’. Some of the interviews tonight might get a bit hairy, so Sophie Mirabella has joined the show as a St John’s Ambulance volunteer (after her sterling job on Q&A).

Puffy Kardashian Jnr (Francis), spokesman for Greg Combet, told Shaun it was very cynical to say that the tax is just about us making feel good about saving the environment, a bit like buying The Big Issue, but doesn’t actually change anything. It’s about convincing people to buy product which is cheaper because it is greener and it doesn’t attract the tax, rather than the polluting product which will now be more expensive. So why the household assistance package? Isn’t this a disincentive from buying the cheaper product? Puffy was speechless, then terminated the interview and stormed off, to hide in the spiral staircase.

When Shaun asked opposition spokesman, Siziwang Bana (Roz) if they would abolish the Carbon Tax AND the assistance package, she also told him that was very cynical attitude. She then used a bunch of sound bite opinions to describe how Australian’s feel about that tax, before telling Shaun that tackling climate change wasn’t about sound bites. It was then that Shaun noticed the antenna in her ear, receiving signals for what to say. She panicked and went to hide in the spiral staircase, with Puffy.

Fellow newsman Alan Jones thinks that the Labor party has become a divisive cult, but Shaun thinks he’s heard Alan called the same thing.

But Climate Change is about science and facts, and science-ographer Dr Barney Tremelo from CSO Fortescue Metals surprised Shaun by admitting the temperature of the earth was changing. But he argues we’re all too lazy to reduce our CO2 levels. 9/11 showed us that during the embargo on air travel, the lack of fuel particles made the earth warmer – we need to emit more to reflect the sunlight and save us from the CO2 produced by our “rainforests”. When Shaun asked for identification, he bolted for the staircase, but seeing it was full, ran out of the studio, through the ABC and the carpark to a waiting taxi.

Barney took refuge in his home, had a good night’s sleep and felt better in the morning. But without any milk, he made a trip to the shops, at it was here that a piano fell on him. “Insanity gone mad.”

Tony Abbott made his pledge to abandon the carbon tax in newspapers, which seems like he doesn’t want anyone to be aware of it, considering its an obsolete medium.

Xanthe Kalamazoo returned to look at the whether there was life in newspapers yet, discussing it with Caitlin Braniac, who likened News Corp separating their newspaper division from the film and TV division to a pirate hacking off a gangrenous leg. But Fairfax is breathing life into it’s “leg”, and changing the shape of it – not just to Tabloid size, but also Rhomboid, for columnists with an unusual angle.

Desiree Fulton (Emily) reported on the businesses that would be affected by the demise of newspapers: a Paper Mache business which no longer has a way to make its product, a Fish and Chippery which now uses iPads to serve their orders, and a Pet Shop which is now using iPhones to line the bottom of budgie (and parrot) cages. For newspapers it seems, are not just resting, they’ve expired, gone to meet their maker… they are an ex-medium. [Nothing like a Monty Python reference!]

The view from the Top of the Vox Pops started with a choreographed dance to Craig Emerson’s ‘Horror Movie’ performance before asking – “Should Craig Emerson be sent offshore for processing?” One couple was against more Librarian’s coming in, but Libyans were OK if they were qualified, and Nobby was back reminiscing about his 21st.

During the break, Miss Fisher was looking at the bludgeoned corpse of satire, diagnosing a dose of cheap innuendo and exaggerated character acting to cover the lack of content – but don’t dare suggest it be her.

Shaun looked at the new slogan of the Liberal party, “Hope Reward Opportunity” which is filled with such aspiration, but also a subliminal message: Ho ward. But Clive Palmer says that the Liberal’s are Stalinist, and wants to remove lobbyists from the party.To make that happen, Ian Smoothie, a spokesman, says Clive will need to get a group of people together who share his view to help enact change. When Shaun pointed out the irony, Ian tried to bolt, but Shaun convinced him to stay. He then asked Ian to tell us what it is Clive wants, which Ian then said, in Clive’s words and almost exact intonation – for over a minute.

Lack of respect of tradition raises Shaun’s ire. And the Prime Minister wants to get swap our 100 year old copper telephone network with the NBN. Where’s the respect for its years of service!? And why? Just so that she can compete with Korea. Shaun’s just not sure which one – there’s at least two we know of! North Korea don’t even have the Internet, but they do have respect for tradition, such as their celebrations  in remembrance of Kim Il-sung. But Shaun thinks Julia is actually jealous of how their leader gets to drive a tank, compare uniforms with her generals or have thousands offer to do the dusting. Just don’t send Julia a message from regional Australia – it will take ages to download.

The NBN will help people access online casinos, but when the government reneged on its plan to impose restrictions on the industry, the lobby groups went “bunta”. Trudy Progrock reported on if self-regulation was working, and a representative from Magic Unicorn Amusements showed off their latest range, which doesn’t have any flashing lights or pleasure at all. But the secret is actually the chairs, which has magnets to keep patrons on their chairs until all their change and metallic objects have been fed into the machine. When the representative was confronted about this, she too bolted.

In world news (“don’t switch off, it concerns us!”), and with the newly voted leader of the exiled Tibet government visiting Australia, Shaun crossed to the Mad As Hell Chinese Affiliate, who assured us that everything was fine in Tibet. She also advised that none of our leaders, no matter how lowly, should meet with the trator for the sake of peace and harmony with the fair and wise China.

Gay March talked with Shaun about the Queen’s visit to Ireland, where the theme was reconciliation – and reminding them she still ran their country, and they better not forget it.  She even met a former IRA leader, who managed to give Prince Philip a good fright.

Finally, Shaun touched on the winding back of the atomic clocks by one second this week, which was a good opportunity to think about others. Shaun used it to sleep in.

“Print version no longer available”

Shaun had mixed feelings this week, because Julian Assange was in trouble for running circles around the American judicial system, but Black Caviar could run in a circle around Royal Ascot and gets to come home. The whole topic of Justice has made Shaun flip his wig.

Will Sweden send Julian to the US for trial? Shaun consulted the former Frida from Bjorn Again (Roz), who insisted that Sweden was a nice, normal country which was less likely to do American’s bidding than Australia. Although, if Shaun wants to know if an extraction team will be sent in, ala Mossad and Adolf Eichmann, he would have to consult an Israeli tribute band. Without a Topol impersonator, he deferred to Becky Stoat, Barbra Striesand impersonator, who described the whole incident.

Bob Carr might say there’s no evidence of a secret extradition order, but we know it exists, just like the Yeti who works at a gas station in Memphis. Darbyshire Greenback from the US State Department, insists that Guantanamo will be closed in 2009 and there is no extradition treaty that Shaun is aware of.

If Ecuador do accept Assange, he will be in the hands of their justice system. Consuela Manatee, special envoy to the Ecudorian embassy, is on holiday… in Australia, and said Assange would be protected by the UNESCO World Heritage, like most of the country.

Xanthe Calamazoo began a discussion on privately run prisons. She reported on a prime example of a private prison in NSW, that is it was only divisible by one and itself. Jim Booth (Francis), owner/manager, lamented the time they opened the doors and all the prisoners escaped. One prisoner, Steve (Tosh), has learnt his lesson – to knock over an easier ATM. In the studio, Xanthe interviewed Maree Spoons who insisted it was a cycle from birth to prison to birth. Back to Jim, he didn’t apologise for the fact they lock out anyone who doesn’t return from day release.

Xanthe pointed out that people who know say retribution and rehabilitation don’t work together, but decided to ask someone who didn’t know [Played by Stephen Hall, one the writers] – he didn’t know.

The Top of the Vox Pops topic was “Should gay marriage by compulsory?”, but no-one really answered the question.

Shaun discussed the recent Newspoll results, and drew the conclusion that Australians wanted a coalition government with the preferred PM, Julia Gillard, as the leader, requiring Tony Abbott to join Labor, except that Kevin Rudd is the preferred Labor leader, but not with Tim Matheson.

Shaun unfashionably likes Tony Abbott, because he has the strength to say to the government “whatever it is you’re doing, I disagree with it 100%”. But he’s concerned that Tony’s old passion has disappeared, and blames Christopher Pyne’s laser eyes.

Invasion of privacy really gets Shaun’s dander up. Kate Moss was at the Gippsland home of a family who was requesting privacy after their son was found trafficking cannabis. The media may have left, but Kate would remain to make sure the family were indeed left alone.

Shaun was keen to salute the efforts of Sky News again, who when reporting on the Melbourne Water overcharge scandal, used 35 seconds of footage of water coming from taps, sinks, showers, washing machines, hoses, hoses and more hoses and back to taps – just to illustrate the point. Shaun then illustrated what winning two Walkleys would be like – not just one, but two.

In the break, the Australian Defence Force was recruiting with the slogan “deferring to the US wherever we can”. The latest Worksafe ad showed Simon, an intern at Worksafe, having an incident with a photocopier. And in the next BackBenched, Kevin Rudd can’t believe the government still has support ahead of the carbon tax starting.

In a world first, caught on camera at the G20, an Australian PM was complemented on their dress-sense. And it was Julia Gillard. Plus she got a kiss from Barak Obama. But it’s not the first time our PM has been kissed by a president; that last happened at John Howard’s receiving of the Medal of Freedom by George W. Bush.

The Rio and G20 summits may have achieved nothing, but at least the economy is in a worse state than the environment – we will run out of money to eat before the climate is ruined. If the summits arranged a deal with the Mexican drug cartel to fund raise, Julia Gillard could have made it back to a sports fundraising event. Mrs Conroy reported how $2m was raised, enough to keep one athlete in performance drugs for a month.

Shaun spoke to Maggie Bathysphere, who was still at the Olympic stadium in London, but the ABC Sports team had been watching YouTube clips rather than doing much reporting. Even with events such as Wimbledon and Tour de France happening around them, they were still preferring to use the services of the BBC or Fox Sports to watch them happen. But they could confirm, not one Australian was still in the tennis.

On the subject of Olympics, Mad As Hell had secretly filmed a ticketing corruption, where an official paid 100,000 Euros to get 100 people to attend the Canoe Slalom.

It was time one again for us to spend time with Bill Duthie and the Wisdom of the Elders, who was reminiscing about the change of the $2 note to the coin in 1988. He was glad to accept all of the examples Francis had. Bill himself had worked at the Royal Mint, and had entered his own design, but the scale and composition had made it impracticle – size of a dinner plate and made of solid gold.

And finally, Saudi Arabia has allowed one female athlete to the Olympics – shame her event is the 4×100 relay.

January 7th 1953 – Johannes Salk was busy working away in his laboratory when he realised he had made a breakthrough – he had invented Polio (which already existed, and killed thousands every year) When his partner informed him they were meant to find a vaccine instead, he washed the results down the drain, but Polio is water borne, so he cleaned it up with Anthrax. The whole thing made Salk feel… mad as hell!

The week’s episode was guaranteed to contain no interviews with network sporting personalities.

Shaun didn’t feel angry about anything this week – maybe perhaps feeling a bit of envy. Of all the deadly sins, he wishes he had another. Maybe sloth, but he couldn’t be bothered changing. Shaun was envious of America (next door to Mexico – stupid country). Things are better there, at least from what he can see from TV. Barack Obama is cool, compared to the Australian parliament, which is very dull. Even Papua New Guinea is more interesting.

Even America’s mistakes are better than ours. And their losses. Queensland is in the red for $100 million, but in America, one man stole $7 billion in a Ponzi scheme. Jocelyn Stick (Veronica), Business Affairs Reporter, explained to Shaun how a Ponzi scheme works, and he seemed pretty taken by the idea.

Julia Gillard is a woman, and she admits it. Recently Julia raised the issue of the glass ceiling for women, saying it was cracked. Sandy Appleby (Tosh), Women’s Affairs Reporter, is concerned that all the men standing on it might fall through onto those women. Maybe a trapdoor should have been installed. The blue stocking movement might be strongest at the gusset, but if the women were on more boards, maybe they would reach the ceiling – metaphorically?

But Gina Rinehart is an exception. She’s sitting on many boards, and looks like getting some seats at Fairfax too. To explain it all, Shaun uses the prism of pop culture, starting with likening it to Citizen Kane, but when only a few understand, he eventually compares her take over of Fairfax to the movie Rock of Ages – “a terrible idea”.

Back to America, or specially, South America, they are celebrating the original Earth Summit in Rio de Janeiro. Great idea, talking about the saving of the planet when the Mayan calender predicts the end of it.

Tuffy Gorgan (Roz) reported on Craig Jevello, who has been preparing 15 years for the amageddon. He’s got his food supplies sorted, with most of it highly perishable, but he’s avoiding preservatives. His 17 year old dog will keep him company, and he’s got a Kindle for all his books. The council refused his application to install a chimney for his fireplace though. Tuffy refused his invitation to spend a night in the bunker. In a postscript, Shaun revealed Craig was later rushed to hospital with botulism, smoke inhalation, rabies, bullet wounds and dysntry. [Shaun laughed here, but when I saw the taping, he did this straight.]

The days of the old wall calendars might be numbered; good thing, they’d be useless otherwise.

Francis held a debate on the subject of gay marriage, and most of the panel discussing the topic were against it, including a representative of the Families for Family Friendly Australian Families. Child Psychologist Heather Snap was very keen to cite common sense research, such as that being born was important for children. In the end, the panel agreed that two hetrosexual, single sex people could get married, provided there was no intimacy. Even the Sister was satisfied with the absence of sex.

Later, Shaun promised to talk to a representative of Fairfax, who was annoyed that they found out about they jobs via a media company – since when has Fairfax known what was going on?

During the break, Miss Fisher was insistent that while the ABC Wednesday comedy schedule was looking like a victim, her Murder Mysteries were not a comedy, and would be seen among the line up, despite her diva-esque behaviour.

Back on the topic of Gina Rinehart, Elance Feelings discussed some of the mining industry terminology, such as FIFO (fly in fly out), HIHO (helicopter in and out) and TITO (train in and out) but Dido is a singer.

Opinions on “should immigrants be made to speak with an Australian accent” in Top of the Vox Pops varied – “we just took the shelves back to Ikea for a refund.”

Shaun can’t stand sport, so he crossed to Maggie Bathysphere and the ABC sports team who were in London for the Olympics, where most of the budget had already been spent, 3 weeks out. [Writer Michael Ward is hiding at the back of the team] Since nothing was actually happening, the team had been visiting CatsThatLookLikeKerryOBrien.com and iQing Lara Bingle – the first time those two words have been used in the same sentence. They did have some great behind the scenes footage from The Masters, where the famous Green Jacket was constantly adjusted depending on who was in the lead.

Apologies to any Channel 9 viewers who would be offended by seeing a woman talk about sport.

In Know Your Backbencher, a segment looking at the unsung (suu-kyi) members of the Australian Parliament, they focused on little known… Kevin Rudd, who works for his constituents on local issues by consulting with world leaders and always keeps his cool.

Most of us wish to live free and happy lives, and those who don’t should be forced to. In a new segment, Hey No Nanny State!, Shaun discusses our freedoms. Smoking is your right, and Shaun will defend it to your death. Although some government control is required, because a lot of people are idiots. But the new large (mock) packages are rediculous, so Shaun says Hey Nanny No. Violence on trains is out of control, but as long as transit police do as per the Vietnamese, and stay outside the vehicle even when it’s moving, Shaun says Hey Nanny No.

On the subject of bullying, Shaun is against the idea of suing parents of bullies. But he interviews Belinda Tenducca, his former bully, and she makes him think she bullied him because she had a crush on him at school. After she breaks his heart again, and he changes his mind to Hey Nanny Yes.

Finally, Aung Sung Su Chi picked up her Nobel Peace Prize from 1991 – couldn’t they have home delivered it, or at least refrigerated it? Here’s tomorrow’s talkback…

The was also an interview taped with Robyn Nevin, who stars in Queer Lear, but this might end up as web extra or in next weeks episode.

Shaun refused to go on unless he was paid $5000, but was happy to accept Cabcharges. Lucky, because tonight one of the stories was about police holding a man over a fire. This week, the show proclaimed to be “riding the 24-hour news cycle drug-free.”

When the audience wouldn’t hold their applause, Shaun fired a gun into the air. He did apologise for the over-the-top reaction. He was quite angry because how he felt about something and what he thought about it were different, and that made him furious. It was the story of Nick D’Arcy and Kenrick Monk being punished by the AOC for being photographed wielding guns in California. If they can’t use social media, how can they expected to tweet their emoticons?

Maggie Bathysphere (Emily) from ABC Sport felt it had been blown out of proportion, just because one had once lied to police and the other once punched someone in the face – who hasn’t?

Black Caviar, in comparison, is very well behaved. Punky Voltaren (Tosh) reported on her prospects racing at Royal Ascot, and assured Shaun that while she had a lot riding on her, it would only be the jockey during the race.

Shaun is concerned about sport on an international level, which does often raise national pride to the level of nationalism, which if taken too seriously is taken to the level of national socialism – then it’s no longer about including multiple countries from a race, but about excluding various races from a country.

Maggie agrees that racism has no place in sport, and the recent racism at Euro 2012 makes her glad we’re not part of Europe – it’s a stupid continent. But is our national pride any different to those Ukrainian supporters?!

Denzella Kabuki (Veronica) went to Tasmania to look at the use of cricket power as an alternative fuel source. Invented by Prof. Jasper Pong (Francis), he came on the idea of using the limbering up employed by cricketers to generate energy. One cricketer is working the n. They have generated enough power to run the Tamar Valley Power Station toilet hand dryer for a full minute.

Carbon Tax celebrations are about 3 weeks away, and Tony Abbott has been using tortured metaphors such as it being “a python squeeze instead of a cobra strike” but Damien Scranton (Francis) doesn’t think this is zoologically accurate. But he thinks Tony is right on one count (or is that a right …?) – being suffocated by a python would hurt from day one.

During the break was an ad from the Australian Defence Force – “defending our shores via Afghanistan.”

Shaun disagrees with censorship – people shouldn’t even be able to say the word. But the reprint of Mein Kampf has been changed to note Hitler’s errors and point out places where he recycled his ideas – often noted as one of Hitler’s greatest crimes. Shaun thinks that if they want to censor the book to help warn people off becoming National Socialists, then re-releasing the audio book, read by Mel Gibson, might help.

It was time for Top of the Vox Pops – “Should Freedom of Speed extend to other noises?” and opinions varied.

In finance news today, the markets closed down today. Even after all that bailing out.

The economy isn’t riding on the sheep’s back, it’s been driven in a truck owned by Gina Rinehart as Mrs Conroy (Roz) reports from the Mad as Helicopter. We dig up what we “made” earlier, but a slow down in the Chinese economy means we might not be able to sell as much coal, iron and uranium. If the resources boom goes bust, we won’t be able to prop up our manufacturing, which means we’ll rely on China for cheaper goods, boosting our economy again and making it impossible to criticise them for supporting the Assad regime.

Julia Gillard has been explaining her policies to children again, prosumably so they can explain it to their parents. Shaun thinks it is good to talk to children – they are the future – and there’s no point talking to old people.

You certainly can’t argue with the growth figures for last quarter, and Tureen Chip, Senior Economic Forecaster, didn’t see it coming. Was it incompetence? Even Joe Hockey knows that “the numbers are the numbers”.

Nice-One Johnson (Emily) spoke to Organza Quiz (Roz), a spokeperson for Joe Hockey, who finally caved that Hockey was ticked off that even though they are incompetent, the government still manages to pull of numbers like this.

Shaun hates negativity, so decides to be positive. So to talk about the fabulous economic growth figure, he spoke to a member of the inexpert anti-opposition Pinor Rouge, who instead began talking of the garden and “how growth has its season.” He also had a message for Rafael.

In Wisdom of the Elders, Francis spoke to Bill again about the 89th anniversary of Vegimite. It certainly didn’t exist before it was invented, and while Bill worked at the factory at the time, it he was sick the day it was invented. He never liked the “happy little Vegimites song” because of the line “rose in every cheek”  – not sure about  “a sandwich spread that promotes the fact that it will make your bottom flush”. Bill had his own version of the theme song, and played it for Francis.

Before handing off to the talk back, Shaun thinks we should get Rolf Harris, a recent OA recipient, returned to Australia – maybe in exchange for sending back Leo Sayer.