This is the original episode and segment guide as aired on Channel 9 in 2003. The “Expurgated” DVD featured a selection of this content, cut down into 8 episodes plus bonus footage.
Episode 1
Aired 12 May 2003
Guests:
Barry Humphries
Kath & Kim
Dannii Minogue
Jamie Durie
Written by:
Matt Cameron
Gary McCaffrie
Shaun Micallef
Michael Ward
Mark O’Loughlin (Ep 7 & 8)
Robyn Butler (Ep 12 & 13)
Directed by:
Adrian Dellevergin
A look back at all the moments so far
Variety isn’t dead
Topical monologue: Peter Hollingworth, Rene Rivkin going to jail, SARS
The Channel 9 Nine:
Jimmy Hendrix, Ray Coniff (and his singers), Mozart, Michael Hutchience, Dizzy Gillespe, Liberace, Louie Armstrong, Colleen Hewett and Count Basey
The 10.90 Chicken Parmigiana
Mother’s Day Cards
‘My First Day’
Livinia from the top of the Rialto
Barry Humphries interview
Sigrid Thornton mixes the cue-cards
French High Speed Train Awareness
Kath and Kim interview
In Case You’re Missing Sex in the City
Jamie Durie – who didn’t stay, because Shaun covered everything in the introduction
Shaun on his High Horse: Lord of the Rings Bungee Ball, ‘What About Me?’, Panadol Rapid, ‘After Midnight’
Dannii Minogue (during which Shaun is seen watching ‘Enough Rope’)
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Original Darrods Wheel
Shaun has a moral objection to endorsing products, but it’s in Pete’s contract.
Tomorrow is Typewriter Awareness Day, so please, buy a ribbon.
Credits: ‘Poison Arrow’ from Shaun’s 1983 appearance on ‘Hey, That’s My Leg’
Episode 2
Aired 19 May 2003
Guests:
Gary Sweet
Gerard Depardieu
Bridie Carter
Shakaya
Has success got to Shaun Micallef?
Topical monologue: TOFOG, Crean Labour Government
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Dr Peter Hollingworth joins
Phoebe Grindell (Robyn Butler), backing singer
Dick Smith vs Arnotts
Stolen Mailbag
What If? using computer graphics
Gerard Depardieu (commercial break interview)
Hostage situation in Kew, Francis reports from the scene
Gary Sweet interview
Jack Harmon, camera operator “retiring”
Bridie Carter interview
Shakaya interview
Burying a body
Shakaya performs (with the Amazing Ron in-screen)
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Bobbing for Apples
Run out of Oregano
Rainfall figures
Credits: Beautiful Sunday performed by James Peggler
Episode 3
Aired 26 May 2003
Guests:
Shane Warne
Alison Whyte
David Campbell
Getting some things out of the way
Topical monologue: Governor-General, George Bush visit, Pavarotti
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Dizzy Gillespe is out with the mange, replaced with Adam West
James Morrison also joins the 9 Nine
NASA and the Aussie Spiders
Modern Art: fish in a blender
Bringing Home Woody’s Shirts
Alan Jones on the Today Show
Chronic Fatigue Dancers
Shane Warne interview
Francis arranges an outing
Alison Whyte interview
David Campbell interview
Shaun on his High Horse: Beards of Bees, Fake Vomit, mis-spelling Tonight, ‘Addicted to Love’
Wake up you old fools!
David Campbell performs
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Original Darrods Wheel
A Quick Look at Tomorrow’s Headlines
Credits: Francis performs Piano Man on guitar
Episode 4
Aired 2 June 2003
Guests:
Melissa George
Jimeoin
Erik Thompson
The Whitlams
Show has already started
Special Time of 9:40
Topical monologue: Qantas Flight 1737, Michael Jackson facing bankruptcy, Simon Creen demanding 4 year parliamentary terms
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Adam West is out with gastro, José Feliciano is in – for real
What’s Happening In Tasmania while Guy Green is away
Alternative Harry Potter Titles
Alan Jones on the Today Show last month
Livinia Nixon at the 7:15pm Session of The Matrix Reloaded
Jimeoin interview
Richmond High School stolen PCs
Melissa George interview… interrupted
Erik Thompson interview
Back to Melissa George
Tim Freedman fills in for Leann Rimes
Merle from the Canteen resigns
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Daryl-In-The-Barrel
Bottom right-hand corner of page 43 of tomorrow’s papers
Credits: Shaun and Francis perform “In Between Days” from their 1986 appearance on Pot-of-Zinc
Episode 5
Aired 9 June 2003
Guests:
Judith Lucy
Matt Welsh
Warren and Gavin
Percy Sledge
Queen’s Birthday joke (not applicable in WA)
Topical monologue: Rene Rivkin, Russell Crowe
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Colleen Hewett is out with the bubonic plague, replaced with a recess monkey
Nokia 8250 plays Bach’s Toccata
Kasparov beats Micallef in Mastermind
Peter Costello’s Happiest Days and John Howard’s message to the Queen
Kasparov beats Micallef in Connect 4
Consumer Power …Tips – Bathroom Mould
Judith Lucy interview
Kerri-Anne Kennerley holds the cue cards
Alan Jones on the Today Show last year
Shaun’s reaction to The Matrix
Matt Welsh interview
Warren and Gavin interview
Percy Sledge interview
Shaun on his High Horse: Tic Tocs, Toilet paper and dogs,’We Built This City’, Minced Garlic
Percy Sledge performs
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Bobbing for Apples
Quick look at the Aussie dollar
Credits: Francis and Shaun in a Yes tribute band, Bjorn Again, perform “Owner of a Lonely Heart”
Episode 6
Aired 16 June 2003
Guests:
Delta Goodrem
Ben Elton
George Gregan
No-One Else
Topical Monologue: Gregory Peck, Labor Leadership, The Matrix Reloaded
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Liberace is out (his mum is doing a roast), replaced with the Olsen Twins and Alan Rickman
MacRobinson Girls High School perform “I’m an Individual” by Mark Jackson
Hillary Clinton’s autobiography read by Billy Connolly
“What-if”: Russell Crowes’ child, Sale of the Century new host, Kiefer Sutherland
North Korea report coming up on Nightline
Consumer Power …Tips – Laundry Detergents
Delta Goodrem interview
Shaun, Francis and Merle perform Innocent Eyes
Kasparov beats Micallef in Hide-and-Seek
Ben Elton interview
Bring Home Bradman’s cap appeal
George Gregan interview
On-field microphones at the AFL
Delta Goodrem performs
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Darrods Wheel
A quick look at the weather tomorrow
Credits: The Astounding Colour Ballet
Episode 7
Aired 23 June 2003
Guests:
Caroline Craig
John McEnroe
Amiel
Opening song sung by Rhonda Burchmore
Topical Monologue: Winter solstice, Harry Potter, Prince William’s birthday, Kerry Packer
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Rhonda came with the Piano
Opening Act: Peas, Carrots and Gravy from the 10.90 Chicken Parmigiana
Francis recommends Rhonda’s CD highly
National Eye Test
The new Financial Year Tax Calendar
Pete Smith’s 14,600th Day
Guest Audition Tapes
Caroline Craig interview
Bring Home Merv’s Jocks
Here’s Humphrey
Kasparov beats Micallef in Tennis
John McEnroe interview
Amiel interview
Shaun on his High Horse: Thermos desk organiser, mouse ears, ‘Why Can’t This Be Love’, Almonds
Amiel performs (forgetting to add the word ‘dolphinarium’)
Audience Partipa-Shaun: The Numbers are Right!
A quick look at what people will be fist fighting about in bars this week
Credits: Shaun performing on Where Were They Then in 1982, as Christopher Walken performing David Bowie’s Fashion.
Episode 8
Aired 30 June 2003
Guests:
Anthony LaPaglia
Dave Hughes
Birtles Shorrock Goble
Here’s the presenter: Bert Newton
Topical Monologue: FIFA scandal, sorry for swearing last week, media ownership, Dennis Thatcher
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Mozart and Ray Coniff are out with parvo, replaced by Marine Boy and owner of the name “Little River Band” Stephen Housden (both on triangle)
Sonia and Little Sonia perform the “Theme from The Love Boat”
The Credible Hulk
Women’s Tennis grunting
Donald Bradman’s Hat & Warnie’s A Sample
Commonwealth Games clocks: Livinia reports
Dave Hughes interview
“Who the freak first thought of that?”
Anthony LaPaglia interview
“What if Francis’ knee was Polish?”
Birtles Shorrock Goble interview
Fast Money
Birtles Shorrock Goble perform (with a 10 second pause)
Coffee Luwak experiment
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Daryl In A Barrel
Talking around the Water Cooler tomorrow
Jackie Love sings “We’re Not Going to Take It”
Episode 9
Aired 7 July 2003
Guests:
Craig David
Marcus Graham
Nicole Livingstone
David Bridie
Topical Monologue: Film festivals, boat arrivals, heroic Qantas staff, John Howard’s daughter’s engagement
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: The entire brass section is out with a dislocated knee, replaced by Shemp (from The Three Stooges) and Rebecca De Mornay
Act: Them (school girl skipping rope song)
Changes to Vegemite
School holiday fun for detention centre children
Behind the scenes on A Current Affair
Emily Stote, the A Current Affair dancer
Livinia Nixon at the tribunal
Marcus Graham interview
Nicole Livingstone interview
Craig David interview via satellite
David Bridie interview
Shaun on his High Horse: greeting cards, the letter ‘H’, ‘Smooth Operator’, hair regrowth advertising
David Bridie performs (with provided dancers)
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Bobbing for Apples
Discussion around the water cooler
Credits: Francis, Shaun and Livinia in their INXS tribute band, INXSable, perform “Need You Tonight” from their 1984 appearance on Horrie Dargie & His Quartet Explodes!
Episode 10
Aired 14 July 2003
Guests:
Tony Martin
Mick Molloy
Judith Lucy
Bob Franklin
Amity Dry
Blair McDonough
Francis’ monument to Bastille Day
Topical Monologue: Qantas aircraft grounded, Uniting Church allowing homosexuals, nuclear waste at Woomera, possible actors strike
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Luis Armstrong out with St Vitus Dance, replaced on recorder with an identikit of Val Kilmer, Leann Rimes and Saddam Hussein
Rob Hurst’s solo performance
Chopper Reid’s art show
Exercise Bike Tour-de-France
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Contestants / Soylent Green
Shrieking Audio Books
Ken Park movie censorship
New talent: free-form marching
Francis sings Lovin’ You
Consumer Power Tips: Busy lives
Blair McDonough interview
Judith Lucy, Bob Franklin, Mick Molloy interview
Amity Dry interview (with a question from Francis’ knee)
Stolen Mailbag: Wedding Gazebo
Amity Dry performs
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Don’s Wheel
Discussion at the workplace without a watercooler
Credits: Hitler and Göring perform Chinese Laundry Blues, from their 1929 appearance on In Melbourne Tonight
Episode 11
Aired 21 July 2003
Guests:
Todd Woodbridge
Seann William Scott
Michael McKean
Placebo
Simon Tedeschi
(plus Dave Graney, Clare Moore and the Bad Eggs Orchestra)
Simon plays the piano introduction
Shaun has torn knee cartilage from recording a sketch
Topical monologue: pirating music, Pauline Hanson on trial, seizure of $200m of heroin, Rene Rivkin, Cathy Freeman’s retirement
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: everyone couldn’t make it because they forgot, so are replaced by Dave Graney, Clare Moore and the Bad Eggs Orchestra
Daryl and Harriet Spunken and their death defying knife act
Stump the Classical Pianist (with Simon Tedeschi)
Diana, Princess of Wales figurine by Franklin Mint (with accessories)
Tribute to the career of Cathy Freeman
Dave Graney semi-interview
The new faces of Chanel & Michael Jackson
Todd Woodbridge interview
Seann William Scott interview
Shaun gets a card from The Footy Show
Michael McKean interview
Brian from Placebo interview
Shaun on his High (Low) Horse: Nurofen for children, antfarms, Men without Hats,
Placebo perform
Audience Partipa-Shaun: The Numbers Are Right
Discussion at the workplace around the water heater
Credits: Izzi Dye performing All Shook Up
Episode 12
Aired 28 July 2003
Guests:
Clive James
Tony Martin
The Superjesus
Shaun wasn’t joking about his knee injury
Topical monologue: John Howard’s birthday, 2003 World Aquatic Championships, Tour de France drug taking, retirement of horse ‘Northerly’, Big Kev, death of Uday and Qusay Hussein, ABS figures are out
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Michael Hutchence is out with the dropsy, replaced by Reggie from Big Brother, David Guest and Jerry Lewis
Deb Madigan welds to ‘What a Feeling!’
Unmanned spy planes
Bobby Chocolini from Soccer Australia press conference
Elephant man
Private Jessica Lynch’s audio book
Cruelty to chickens
Tribute to Uday and Qusay Hussein
Second attempt at the Soccer Australia press conference
Consumer Power Tips: Crumpets
Tony Martin interview (with Matt Welsh calling in)
Surprise Dwarf
Clive James interview
Sarah from The Superjesus interview
Last attempt at the Soccer Australia press conference
Plain Clothes Fire Fighters
The Superjesus perform (forgetting to say “banana lounge”)
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Bobbing for Apples
Stock Market review
Credits: Francis, Shaun and Livinia doing a tribute to Paul McCartney on Horrie Dargie & His Quartet Explodes!
Episode 13
Aired 4 August 2003
Guests:
Ricky Martin
Dave O’Neil
Keith Urban
Shaun performs a couple of magic tricks
Topical monologue: Saddam Hussein, Amrose’s song, Little Pattie as ambassador of Meat and Livestock Australia, Note Printing Australia strike, the cause of bedwetting, the VM beetle
Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Francis is in his passive smoking jacket
Julie Everett performs her accounting skills
John Howard vs. Mick Jagger
Red Symons: This is Your Life since Last Thursday
The jumping Spittle Bug (and comparisons)
Journey into Shaun’s arthroscopy
Spittle Bug record attempt
Francis’ plays “You Can’t Stop The Music” (but is stopped)
Ricky Martin interview
Shaun calls Channel Nine to complain about Micallef Tonight
Dave O’Neil interview
Keith Urban interview
Ricky Martin performs
Audience Partipa-Shaun: Leopady
The Dandy Warhols have turned up a week early
Credits: Marty Rhone performs Don’t Dance So Close To The Fire
See You in the Monkey House Australia!